“Not my zoo; not my monkeys!” Except they are mine. As a parent, I find myself constantly surrounded by a zoo full of animals. Some days a clear head is needed in order to keep things running smoothly; others…Well, let’s just say that a beer would be helpful. To help you all negotiate the running of your own menagerie, I have put together a field guide that will offer proper beer pairings for each animal you encounter.
The Tiny Whiney Orangutang – This creature is best spotted by it’s very distinctive warble. Their vocalization occurs at a higher octave than normal everyday communication and words are drawn out. The common word “mom” becomes: moooOOoommmm Other characteristics include the apparent melting of leg muscles while their arms stay out stretched and pulling the closest adult down.
Pair this particular beast of burden with a nice tart sour beer. The sharpness of this beer will cut through the oozing high pitched siren song of the Tiny Whiney Orangutang and help snap you back to your senses in order to shut the whining down.
The Raging, Head-Strong Bull – This particular animal usually rears it’s head when sufficient sleep has not been acquired. The bull will not do anything other than what it wants to do and if tried to be convinced otherwise…. it will use any part of its body to show its dominance. A 40 pound Raging, Head-Strong Bull will possess the strength of a grown man who goes to the gym for 2 a days. WARNING: Beware of flailing extremities and being rammed by the bulls head. Visible horns may not be present but know that they are still there.
Pair this animal and your multitude of bumps and bruises with a pain numbing Imperial anything. You are looking for something with a high abv in order to relieve your sores as quickly as possible.
The Grumpapotamus – This beast finds joy in nothing. Having cotton candy for dinner? That’s stupid and they hate it. There will be growling and foot stomping. No matter how kind and loving you are to them they will refuse to show any happiness. These animals will require a lot of your attention. If there are siblings around you will need to shield them from the Grumpapotamus’ wrath.
Pair this animal with a barley wine. Pour it at the onset of the transformation into the Grumpapotamus and enjoy sips as you find a spare moment. The flavors will change and develop as the beer warms so don’t worry about having to walk away every few seconds.
The Bouncing Off-The-Walls Kangaroo – This marsupial will wreak havoc on your nice things. They are unable to sit still, unless they are perched on top of a bookshelf, ceiling or some other unstable, hard to reach spot. Most of the toys in your house will be scattered everywhere and at least one thing will be broken. Most likely it will be something of yours because your things are more fun to play with.
Pair this animal with a super hoppy IPA. Sometimes you just have to say: “If you can’t beat them, join them.” Sit back, put your feet up and enjoy your own “hopping” around. The beasts will eventually wear themselves out.
The Broken Record Parrot – Be wary of this animal. At first you might think you can simply answer the calls being bleated at you. “Mom. Mommy. Momma. Mom. Ma. Momma.” But it will be to no avail. This flightless bird only seeks to repeat the same word in a few different variations. There is nothing you can say that will detract this wonder from its mission.
Pair this annoyance with a cotton ball in each ear, your favorite beer and that article you have been wanting to read.
The Sleeping Sloth – They are so cute when they are asleep. As long as they are in their own beds. For the entire night. When this miracle takes place, skip the beer, head to bed and catch up on some sleep. There will be plenty of more animals and beers tomorrow.